Proband M012

"HaHa, look, there is a doctor in the picture with you!"

I am sitting in a hospital in Cologne, Germany. I am not sick and nothing is wrong with me, which makes this scenario really weird.

I wasn’t able to find any decent jobs for the first 3 weeks here, so I decided to participate in a medical trial. It pays well and it’s totally harmless. But it still comfortably ranks among the most uncomfortable jobs I ever did (right up there with a job I once had setting up a stage and was working on building a tower in 10m height without any safety equipment).

The uncomfortable feeling doesn’t come from a imminent danger for my physical health (like pulling up huge speakers up a shaky tower) but rather it is a weird psychological strain.

Coming into this microcosm that is the medical trial world, I really didn’t know what to expect. The people that work here seem to feel overqualified for their work (really just laying catheters and handing out the pills and food at the right time) and the ones that are the test objects seem to feel shame at seemingly being underqualified for any other job.

There are some people who hide this shame behind bedazzled purple shirts and big sunglasses and others that act like they don’t need the money, showing up suited up and with a small carry-on suitcase as if they were about to have a business flight to L.A. for 2 days.
All hail advancements in medicine! - my ass.

And then there is me. Showing up here in my absolute average clothing and a backpack filled with books, my laptop, and a small ensemble of chargers [iPod, electronic clippers (why the fuck did I take them for 2 days of medical trial?), MacBook, cell phone]. What I learned too late was that they didn’t give us any clothing or towels… or for that matter anything but catheters, small amounts of food, warm carbonated water bottles, and strict limits of when to drink, eat, walk, sit.

I even called before I came here to ask what I needed to bring. “Hmm, nothing really.” Now I am spending 2 days straight in the same clothes.
Visitors only in emergencies.

On top of that, out of obvious necessity, I am currently successfully and quiet consciously ignoring my fear of needles that had me passing out in doctors office already twice in my life. But the thought of that catheter in my hand still gives me shivers and makes me cling my toes. Constant thoughts about this dreadful device along the lines of…
One wrong move and it will poke out of the side of your skin. What keeps it from scraping and poking into my forearm bone and tissue when I make a wrong move? Can this fucking doctor stop wiggling it around like a 7-year old trying to get all out of his milkshake?
… keep popping into my head.

The "catheter", or "I.V.", or shitty-ass bloodsucking device.

Talking about milkshakes… I am seriously starting to feel this whole “being sucked empty” as a very real sensation. Every hour several nurses/doctors (who fucking knows?) walk around collecting small doses of blood from all of “us” - 24 patients (all male). Although they are trying to be nice and give the impression that we are not just mere test-mice, it doesn’t change that they employ all the same moves and sentences with everyone.
“Are you feeling alright?”
“Wow, it’s getting really warm today!”
“Maybe we should lay a new catheter.” FUCK!

Also, I keep saying “thank you” once they are done taking my blood. I really don’t know why I say that. It just freaks me out, that they wiggle the catheter around, poke it in and out, push on it and pull it up. I am probably just really thankful once they are done.

It’s not all bad though, I don’t want to be all whiny about it. I get to spent 2 days in bed doing nothing but surfing the Internetz (sadly slow AS FUCK, so not really pleasurable), reading books (Augusten Burroughs - A Wolf At The Table | Great read!) and I was able to get How I Met Your Mother (Season 1-4) from my mother before I came here. So I am basically breezing through the seasons like no ones business. I think I already watched over 8 hours of Barney, Ted, Marshall, Lily and Robin falling in and out of love/beds.

A sense of a little parallel world with new friends is starting to set in. But I am not yet in love with any of the characters from the show. Which is really bewildering me. Everyone who has known me for a while knows why.

Maybe I will throw The O.C. back on my laptop next week for the second cycle of this testing.


I wish I could watch The O.C. all new all over again.
Fuck Anakin.

Yeah, that’s the thought I am leaving you with.
Yeah, that’s right!
Yeah, that’s right!